Trying to Save a Marriage? Advice on What Works and What Doesn’t
When I was trying to save my marriage a couple of years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on that would help me prevent a divorce. I blindly followed most of this advice and found it to be flawed, not only because it didn’t work, but because it sets the couple on a frustrating path that doesn’t address the most immediate flaws and tensions before it attempts to tackle the “real problems” in the marriage.
Why Marriage Counseling And Some “Save Your Marriage” Programs Sometimes Miss The Point Or Don’t Work: Specifically, most “save your marriage” advice focuses on having the couple commit to difficult discussions and exercises geared toward fixing deep seeded problems in their marriage. While I absolutely agree this must be done eventually, in my experience what many marriage counselors, or programs fail to take in consideration is that often times there is one person or spouse who wants out of the marriage and there is usually one person who wants to save it. Getting the spouse who wants out of the marriage to submit to repeated questions and deep discussions about problems contributing to it will drive some of these folks even further away. Simply put, these unhappy spouses want to escape the situation, so submerging them into even more of it (and painful discussions about it) often just makes the problem worse.
Of course, the person who wants to save the marriage is often more than willing to talk about it endlessly or to do “whatever it takes” to reignite the spark. But this sort of “anything to save the relationship” stance often make this unsuspecting spouse appear even more unattractive to the spouse who wants to leave, again making the problem worse.
What’s Truly Key To Successfully Save A Marriage: From my experience, this process is backwards. It is my belief that most people who succeed in saving their marriage do so by first delaying the endless discussions or problem solving sessions. Instead, successful couples often first focus on reestablishing a positive relationship and feelings of empathy and protectiveness. If both parties don’t feel respect and at least some sort of affection or caring toward one another, then it’s unrealistic to think that they will be able to work out their problems in a long term way in which both people are equally on board and committed. Sure, one person may eventually give in, (just to keep the peace and stop all this communication on difficult subjects), but the issues will keep coming up, because both parties are not really committed to changing things.
To really solve marital problems, both husband and wife must be equally committed to doing so. This doesn’t often happen if the balance of power in the marriage is unequal, with one person wanting to save the marriage and other wanting to end it. Before you can change this, both parties must return to a place of affection and respect. How do you do this when you are perhaps the only one wanting to save the marriage?
How To Return Positive Feelings That Can Make Saving The Marriage Much Easier (Even When You’re The Only One Interested): In order to set the stage for avoiding a divorce or rescuing a relationship, you first need to take calculated steps meant to restore the positive image your spouse used to have of you when he first fell in love or the last time he / she was in love. I know this thought can be hard to wrap your brain around or accept. It’s easy to resent this, or to think it is unfair or game playing. You might think exactly as I initially did: “He / she doesn’t do anything to change for me. Why should I change or make the effort? Why am I the only one doing all of the work?” The answer is because taking these steps are going to benefit you in a few ways. Not only will this make you feel better and build your confidence, it may just get what you really want – your marriage back. And, once you restore the needed feelings, what you’re trying to do will be so much easier.
If a marriage is in trouble and needs to be saved, it’s often not strong enough to allow you to pick apart or rehash difficult issues. I don’t believe couples should attempt this until the relationship is back on a positive level for quite some time and until both parties are ready, receptive and committed.
You get to this place by either taking a brief break or by first ignoring the elephant in the room that is contributing to the most dire issues. You’ll address these later, but first you have to restore the positive feelings needed to get both parties on board.
If your spouse is not receptive to you, not talking to you, is not taking your calls, or is dead set on divorce, believe it or not the process is the same. You just have to move at a slower pace and take more calculated baby steps until you’re at a place where positive feelings have returned.
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